a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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