I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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