i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
