Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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