She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
