I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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