Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
