I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
