The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
