Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
