You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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