Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
