just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
