I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
