dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
