So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
