Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
