Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
