Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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