Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
