I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
