So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
