I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
