Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
