I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
