You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
