I don't usually arrange sex via text message
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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