and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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