just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize