I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
