bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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