yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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