the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
