Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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