I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
