omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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