We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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