sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
