That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
