When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was born a porn star she said
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
