when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
