I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
