it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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