i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
