well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
