He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
