I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You made out with two different species that night
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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