literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
