I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
