I need to stop coming to work sober
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
