3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize