Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
