I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
