Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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