Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
