How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
