the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
