I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
