Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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