WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
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