Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
