yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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