Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
