I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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