sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
