I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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