My liver just broke up with me...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
